Monday, February 6, 2012

Honesty

I want to be honest with someone, but it terrifies me.

Be honest with the entire world? Yeesh! Even more terrifying.

I would like to be honest, really honest, with just one person.

Myself.

I know I'm not fooling Jesus. Not that I think I can fool Him.
But Jesus, knowing what they were thinking in their heart... Luke 9:47

But sometimes I think I can fool myself. 
If nobody hears what I'm thinking, then its not a problem. Its just in my head.

But I'm not fooling anyone. Especially myself.

The person I am, on the inside, so full of thoughts and complications that I don't let anyone, anyone hear all of the thoughts that fly through my head - if I'm really honest with myself: I don't like that person. I don't like the thoughts I pretend I don't have.

So I started looking up quotes on sin, you know the kind of sin that we all pretend we don't have.  The thoughts that we like to tuck away in the back of our mind and say to ourselves that they're just thoughts, they're not actions.  Yeah, those thoughts. 

“The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks  . . . to his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself.”


This is me admitting and being honest to the world: I lie to myself and have come to believe these lies. 


I want to love myself as Jesus loves me so that I can love the people in my life as He has called me to love them - as myself.


As myself?? Come again? Did Jesus really mean what He said?

How can I love them as myself when I don't even love myself?

I must give up the thoughts in my mind that are keeping me from being the woman I am called to be.

Lies like: You are worthless. You are a terrible person. Your children deserve better, your husband deserves better, your whole family deserves better. What's the point in even trying to be good when you never can be?
One thing is for sure, I can never be the person I want to be without Christ. It is through Christ alone that I have strength and the power to banish these lies from my mind. Through Christ alone that I can be the woman I was called to be. Without His strength I have nothing left to rely on, no hope for myself or my family.

In Christ alone I stand.
One of my favorite songs of all time. I tear up every time I hear it.

But, yes - there is a but - I have to continually be honest with myself, confront these lies, and pray for the freedom from these thoughts on a daily basis.

I have to take control by giving up control to God.

Without Him, I am powerless and hopeless.

So I cling to His promises:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

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